An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
 The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley
in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer,
and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
 the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
 when things don't go well.  In this case, things aren't going so well. I
 have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber.
 There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually
 approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as
 to what the two were celebrating O'Malley told them that the Irish
 celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends
 that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,
"I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple
 of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer,
 and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother
 after I am gone."
 

The Accident

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her
 husband's been in a terrible car accident.
She rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says her husband's
 been in an accident.
They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor.
He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news. Your husband's
 accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."
"Oh my God" says Mrs. Jones, "what will be his prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is
 inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you
 will have to feed him.
" Mrs. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent
 pneumonia.
" Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as
 he'll have no control over his bladder and of course these diapers
 must be changed at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails.
 The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a
 regular basis as  he'll have no control over his sphincter. His bowel
 will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must
 clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll
be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
 wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the
 shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just messing with you, he's dead."
 
 

A Man and his Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
 while he's drinking,  the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The
 monkey grabs some olives off the bar  and eats them, then grabs
 some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
 grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
 just did?"
The guy says,  "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table
 - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
 everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
 He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
 him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
 the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The
 bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and
 ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats
 everything in sight, but ever since he  ate that damn cue ball he
 measures everything first!"
 
 

Snake Bite

Kevin and Peter are hiking in the woods. Kevin gets bitten on the
 privates by a snake. Peter calls the doctor on his cell phone to find
 out what to do . The doctor tells Peter his friend will be OK if the
 poison is sucked out. Peter turns slowly to his friend and says to him
 "Well Kevin, after talking to the doctor.....he said.......he said
 that......."
"Well what the hell did he say!!" Kevin cries out in pain.
"He said............ you're gonna die."
 

Mike's Wife

Mike's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best
 friend Jack when suddenly the phone rang.
She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheets after a brief
 conversation.
"Who was it? Jack asked.
"Oh, that was Mike." She replied calmly.
"Oh shit, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mike say where he
 was?"
"Relax, he's down at the bar, playing a few games of pool with you.

A wee Scottish tale

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they
sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A
penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was
thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on
the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo
aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over
and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus." "Well! , uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot
time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then
took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl
spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man
glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness,
began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the
first three pennies?"